Glowing in the dark
by Jilienemily
Summary: "We both were looking for something. Something we could hold on to. I could read the confusion in his eyes, the questions and I saw how much it took him to be so close to me. "You're standing in front of me. Real or not real?" He asked softly. "Real." I whispered." He nodded slowly, then took a step back and whatever had connected us just snapped back like a bowstring."
1. Drifting

My fanfiction starts off a few days after Peeta returned to District 12. I was rather unsatisfied with the ending of the books so I decided to fill in the ten to fifteen years that were left out before the Epilogue. The first chapters were inspired by the song "Falling" by the civil wars. It was originally written in german and I am not a native speaker so please forgive my spelling mistakes.

Haven't you seen me sleepwalking,

'Cause I've been holding your hand

Haven't you noticed me drifting

Oh let me tell you I am

Katniss

I could feel his eyes on me, as I stood in the bright sunlight. It was the first time I had left the house since he came back to District 12 and planted the Primroses in my backyard.

Prim.

I still could not think about her name without tearing up. I couldn't breathe and flames started to dance in front of my eyes, so I had to close them. Ironically flames are getting brighter in the darkness, so I opened them immediately. I was shaking and tried to focus on something else. The wind in my hair, the sun on my face, the smell of fresh grass and spring. And Peeta. I knew he is just a few feet away, I could almost hear him hesitate behind me.

Finally the grass rustled underneath his feet. He was still making noise for three as he moved towards me. My Lips curled into a sad smile. I really wanted him to put his arms around me. A few nights ago I woke up screaming from a dream in which Prim had turned into a mutt. I missed Peetas Arms and being beside him so much, that I had curled myself up in tears. My body was torn to pieces with longing and the knowledge that I had lost him forever. Even though he had returned, and was standing so close behind me… he wasn't my Peeta anymore. At least not completely. I tried hard to swallow, and resisted the urge to turn my head. Oh how I longed to see his blue eyes, to see the sunlight brightening up his blond hair, and turning it to liquid gold. But I didn't dare. I always had been insecure when it come to my feelings, especially when they were about Peeta.

It was that night, only a few days ago, that I realized I loved him. No matter how painful and hopeless it might be. I knew it was him, as clear as day. Him. Not Gale. That night I had to wrap my arms around myself to keep me from falling apart. A gaping hole had been torn in my chest, right where Peeta used to be. His warmth, his security. I remembered how he once told me about his nightmares, that most of them were about losing me. The pure thought of what they might be about now sent a shiver down my spine.

"They're gonna be beautiful."

His voice ripped another piece from my chest and I just wanted to lay down and cry until he would return to me. Until he would lift me up, carry me to bed and lay down beside me. Until I could feel safe again. But he just stood there. And I kept my eyes on the horizon, the woods and the hills. My sight slowly started to blur and he seemed to notice that I was about to burst into tears. From the corner of my eye I noticed a movement. He had lifted his hand, maybe to touch me? To comfort me? But he let it drop before it even reached me. The all too familiar ice cold wave of pain washed over me again. He couldn't even touch me anymore. What a terrible monster I must've become in his mind. I nodded mechanically, but again he could read between the lines, even without me saying a word. He had always seen more than others. Noticed what I wasn't saying. Without another word he left me. I listened to him leaving, to the sounds of his feet on the grass, then the gravel, and finally the silent thump when he shut his door. It was not until I was sure he couldn't hear me anymore that my legs gave way and I fell to my knees sobbing. I could hardly breathe and had my hand pressed against my chest to keep me from falling to pieces. I didn't notice I was screaming until Haymicht put his hand on my back soothingly. I hadn't hear him come. Haymitch knelt down beside me, I could smell the liquor on him, still his eyes were almost sober.

"I know it's hard sweetheart. But give him time. He will be okay."

Although it was meant to comfort me, his words only tore at the hole inside me. Without resistance I let him help me to my feet and lead me into the house. He sat down on the chair by the fireplace and disappeared for a moment. Then he held out a glass of water.

Water.

So many of my nightmares were about water. Nightmares in which I died of thirst, crawling through deserts, or I had to watch as Peeta drowned or how a sea of Mutts ripped Finnick to pieces. I vaguely remembered the girl I once was, the girl that fearlessly wandered through the forest, unafraid of something so simple as a glass of water. I forced myself to take a few sips before I put it aside. Haymitch was sitting opposite me, his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped. He looked at me like he had at our first real encounter. With this mixture of curiosity and fascination I had interpreted as disrespect and arrogance. Because after all, we were much too similar not to like each other, we were practically the only ones left. Besides, Peeta, Haymitch, and I had almost become something like friends.

"You know, Katniss, he's not gonna find his way back on his own." He said, and waited until I looked at him. "I know that it is difficult for you, but without your help he will not get back." Sure, I had this thought since Peeta had come to the rebel camp outside the capital. Pictures of us in the basement of Tigris Shop rolled over me. Me caressing his hair and his soft voice asking me if I would still protect him. Real or not real. Tick tock. Still trembling just from the memory I took a deep sip of water. "I don't know what to do." I whispered with a rough, broken voice. When I had spoken the last time? A few days ago? Weeks? I frowned. I didn't remember. "Sweetheart you know what you gotta do. You're just scared. "

Ouch. Again, he was right, and again I felt guilty. Peeta was caught in a world in which he could no longer distinguish between reality and delusion. I was able to free him from it, I knew that I could. Just like I knew what that would mean for me. Unconsciously I ran my fingers down my neck. Following the path of where Peeta's fingers had almost suffocated me. My fingertips were prickling as if the marks were still there. Haymitch seemed to interpret my movement correctly and pulled me from my thoughts. "That wasn't him. Don't forget that Katniss." His voice was warm. Something I wasn't used to coming from Haymitch. A while ago Hazelle had come back and apparently taken over the reign at Haymitchs house. It seemed like she did him good. "But how… how?" My voice failed and I felt tears choking me again. I wrapped my arms tightly around the gaping wound in my chest, as if I could protect it from further harm. "You'll find a way Sweetheart." He said dryly. There he was again, the old, teasing Haymitch who wouldn't help me, knowing that I would eventually figure it out on my own. He got up and was halfway out the door when he came back to me again and awkwardly ran caressed my cheek. His eyes told me what he couldn't say, and I just nodded. We still understood each other without words.

I spent the night screaming and crying. I couldn't sleep. It was unbearable to even close my eyes, so I buried my face in the pillow and cried my heart out. Since there was no one I could kill for it, no one I could blame at all. No one but myself. And that made it even worse. As the sun came up at four in the morning I felt empty, as if I had cried my eyes dry. They were burning and my lips were swollen and plush from biting them throughout the night. My throat was sore and I had to force myself to get up. The house was completely deserted and dead silent. Buttercup seemed to be out on tour, maybe he couldn't endure my crying anymore. Barefoot and only in my nightgown, I stumbled down the stairs and pulled my Mother's cardigan off the hook by the door. We weren't exactly close but we had forgiven each other and her jacket was surprisingly comforting. I pulled the soft wool tightly around me and opened the door. Thin layers of mist hung over the streets, the fields and the trees. It was a beautiful summer morning and only a year ago nothing would have kept me inside. I would've gotten dressed and ran through the mist, all the way to meet Gale in the woods. But there was no Gale anymore. And without Gale, the forest was no longer what I needed. Just another dark and painful memory. I braced myself against the wave of pain that would overwhelm me, but it didn't come. Surprised, I took a deep breath. There was something familiar in the air, something that mingled between the scent of dew and forest. I had to concentrate to focus on my thoughts. What was that smell? My head turned slightly and I knew it before I saw it. There was light in Peetas kitchen. Smoke rose from the chimney. He was baking. It was the smell of fresh baked bread. Cheese rolls to be exactly. I cringed and had to lean against the doorframe to withstand the wave of longing and pain. Slowly I breathed against the rush of panic until my eyes cleared again and the pain in my chest no longer paralyzed me. My hair was falling over my shoulders, tousled by my sleepless night. I really must've looked insane. Barefoot in my nightgown with disheveled hair standing in the morning mist. Just as this thought came to me I saw his face. He stood at the kitchen window, he must have seen me or maybe I had made some noise. For month now I barely notice anymore if I was whimpering or crying. My body was too used to it.

Peeta and I looked at each other across the street. His windows were slightly fogged and he had to run his hand over it to wipe the droplets from the glass a couple of times. I didn't know how long I stood there and stared at him, frozen to the spot. I had no idea what to expect and it scared me to death. But finally I took the first step. I took the few steps down my porch and slowly walked over. The stones crunched underneath my feet, they were wet and cold but it was surprisingly refreshing. Peeta's face disappeared from the window, and a few moments later, he opened his door. This time it was him who leaned against the doorframe. His appearance was a shock. He was wearing the exact same outfit he had worn all those years ago, that day as he had given me the burned bread. Grey trousers, white shirt and a loosely tied apron. His hands, his blond hair and parts of his face were covered in flour. He crossed his arms, not in a defensive way, it was just rather carefully. His bright eyes studied my face and I could see some well hidden curiosity dancing behind those deep blue spheres.

"Hey." I said softly and suddenly felt transported back to the hospital room in District 13. Immediately I crossed my arms as well, only that it was more of a helpless embrace. I had to make sure I wouldn't fall apart.

"Hey." He replied to my horror in the same neutral tone as he did back then. I wondered if he remembered the same scene. I felt as insecure as a teenager, when I tried to read his expression. I tried to fathom that look in his eyes, his lopsided grin, but I couldn't. Mostly because I didn't dare thinking he was actually happy to see me. "You're uh… baking?" I asked quietly just to say something. Well as if that wasn't obvious. But I felt so helpless and vulnerable, I didn't know what else to say. What the hell had gotten into me, coming here like this? To face him like this? I should have put on my dad's jacket and my boots, something I felt safe in. My hair should've been braided firmly. Instead, my feet were getting cold, my hair kept blowing in my face and I started to tremble. For a while neither of us moved, we just looked at each other. His eyes trailed over my face, my shoulders, the hem of my nightgown and my bare feet.

"You're cold." He finally said flatly and took a step back in order to let me in. I hesitated before I sat foot the first step. "Come in, Katniss." He pleaded and there was a glimpse of the old Peeta in his voice. It had that warm ring to it which I had thought I'd never hear again. Slowly I came up the stairs, I had to walk past him to get inside and felt my skin crawl. I hadn't been inside his house for over a year, not since we'd been selected for the Quarter Quell. Nothing seemed to have changed. Except for the pictures. They still were everywhere. Pictures of Rue laughing, Finnick and Annie's wedding, Prim with Buttercup. The only face missing was my own. I remembered that I once used to be on almost all of his pictures and now it seemed that I wasn't on a single one. The pain stabbed me like a knife, the sharp blade pierced my flesh and tore another big piece out of my heart. Peeta walked past me into the kitchen and opened the oven, immediately the room was flooded by warm air that smelled of molten cheese and fresh bread. I leaned against the doorframe for a moment and allowed myself to enjoy the warmth and the illusion of security. The warm air hovered around my ankles and crawled under my cold skin. Outside the first rays of sunshine slowly chased away the fog and for a few peaceful moments I got a glimpse at how life with Peeta could have been. I watched him as he got the fresh buns out of the oven and replaced them with new pale loafs. He began to clean up and soon the small Sack of flour and the baking powder box disappeared along with the sugar and salt sachets. Then he cleaned his worktable with calm, fast movements. He wiped it clean in circular motions, revealing the deep brown wood underneath the flour. My stomach growled angrily. I hadn't eaten anything yesterday and the buns smelled heavenly. Apparently Peeta had heard it and stopped. His gaze caught mine.

"You can take one. It's your favorite… isn't it?" he asked with a frown and I nodded before I grabbed one of the perfect, round buns. The cheese was still soft and was glistening with fat. I closed my eyes and deeply inhaled the wonderful scent. A new wave of pain washed over me. I flinched at the memory that hit me this time and hoped he hadn't notice. When my eyes opened, I realized that I might as well hope for Prim to come through the door. Peetas expression mirrored mine. Had he been rolled over by the same wave? No. He wouldn't, would he? He didn't love me anymore. He probably didn't even like me anymore. At least that was what I kept telling myself, because anything else would be so much worse. If he still loved me but couldn't touch me, if all he saw was a monster and didn't understand how he could've ever loved me. How could I ever undo that? How could I ever reach him? But if he just didn't like me? Well, that was something I could live with. Something I could fight. At least I hoped I could. I took a huge bite from the bun so I wouldn't have to say anything and focused on the pattern of the tabletop. I almost jumped as he suddenly stood in front of me. I was so surprised that I stumbled backwards and nearly tripped. If it hadn't been for the doorframe in my back, I would've turned and fallen flat on my face. My heart was racing as I met his searching gaze. We hadn't been this close for months. The bun slipped my trembling fingers as I just stood there unmoving, trying not to shake. I wasn't afraid of him. I never had been. Not even when Snow had turned him into my personal assassin. I couldn't be afraid of him. He was Peeta. My friend, and as I knew now, so much more. My chest was heaving under my shaky breath. Our last kiss felt like centuries ago. It had been at the Capitol. My lips slowly opened, driven by a longing that I couldn't explain, and which I had never expected to be able to feel. My mind wandered back to those brief, magical hours at the beach. When we had forgotten the world around us, driven by an insatiable hunger. When there had been just the two of us. He was so close to me that I could almost feel his body, though we didn't touch. His lips hovered above mine, his breath was brushing over them as he looked into my eyes. We both were looking for something. Something we could hold on to. I could read the confusion in his eyes, the questions and I saw how much it took him to be so close to me. "You're standing in front of me. Real or not real? "He asked softly, his voice deep and warm. I shivered and tried not to look away. "Real." I whispered. He nodded slowly, then took a step back and whatever had connected us just snapped back like a bowstring. It ripped me off my feet. Only that I could not fall. I shouldn't have come here. Panic crept up my back and wrapped it's iron claws around my neck. I bent down to pick up the bun I had dropped, only to just do something. By now Peeta was on the other side of the kitchen, he had knelt down in front of the oven and opened the iron door. For a moment I allowed my gaze follow the tendons on his muscular arm as they tensed and flexed underneath his taut skin while he pushed logs in to the flames.

Flames.

A strangled sound escaped me, I turned around and ran. "Katniss!" he called after me, but I was already on the road. I ran into my house and up the stairs where I climbed into my closet that still was full of Cinna's beautiful dresses. I was shivering and shaking as I curled up between all the velvet and silk, burying my nose in the fabric in which his scent still lingered. No one ever really found out what had happened to him. But we all knew that he had to be dead. I could barely breath as I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.


	2. Drowning

Tell me it's nothing

Try to convince me

That I'm not drowning

Oh let me tell you I am

Katniss

It must've been around noon as I woke up 'cause someone was calling my name. I didn't answer. It sounded like Hazelle but I wouldn't and couldn't talk to anyone now. I just buried myself deeper in my warm, secure cave. A few hours later, something woke me up again. Someone was scratching on the cabinet door, I pushed it open a bit and Buttercup climbed into the closet. We had actually become friends because we both had dedicated our lives to Prim and lost her. We both weren't able to protect her. My arms slid around the soft fur and Buttercup curled up on my chest.

My own scream woke me up. I was surrounded by complete darkness and another strangled cry escaped me. I was all tangled up in something and there was something heavy and hot lying on my chest. My first thought was 'Mutts' and my heart skipped a beat. I tried to free myself in blind panic as a startled meow stopped me. Buttercup. Right. I forced myself to breathe calmly and reached for the closet door. I carefully pushed it open and Buttercup jumped off my chest. I fought the still raging waves of panic as I freed myself piece by piece off my clothes. I really should find me a better hiding place. Exhausted and shaky I got out of the closet and walked right over the window. I pushed it open and sucked in big gulps of fresh night air. My hands dug into the still warm wood of my window frame. I deeply inhaled the fresh air, filling my burning lungs as I tried to get rid of the images of my last dream with every breath I took. It wasn't one of my usual nightmares. This one was worse. Because it was actually a beautiful dream. I had dreamed of Peeta, my Peeta, who held me and kissed me and looked at me with that look that promised me that he would never love anyone else as much as he loved me. I leaned my burning forehead against the window frame, my hair and my nightgown were soaked in sweat and clinging to my body. With jittery movements, I tugged at the wet cloth, pulled it over my head and dropped it carelessly. Then I pulled my hair up and rolled it into a loose bun in my neck. The warm floorboards creaked softly under my feet as I walked to my dresser and pulled out a ribbon to tie it up.

Someone had put fresh water in a bowl next to my bed, along with a glass and a plate of potatoes, on which Buttercup just feasted. I pulled one of my mother's handkerchiefs from the drawer and dipped it in the cool water. With a sigh I ran the wet cloth over my burning neck and shoulders. "Mhmm." I hummed in content and bit my lip. That was much better. The water ran over my bare back in fine pearls. By now it didn't mind being naked at all. My prep team had undressed me so many times that it no longer bothered me. Besides, who should see me anyway? Over and over I dipped the cloth in the bowl and let the water run over my shoulders, my arms and hands. I watched the drops shimmering on my skin in the moonlight. My thoughts still revolved around Peeta. Around the kisses from my dream. It had been one of these rare real kisses. None of my helpless faked ones. Without really noticing, I began to hum. An ancient song that my mother used to sing before my father died. It was sad and a remnant of the world before Panem. Now it seemed strangely appropriate. Silently I walked back to the open window and looked up at the moon. From a distance I had to look like a ghost with my pale skin. I had to remind myself that there was no one who could possibly see me. There was just no one left. A quiet tear ran down my cheek and I tried to remember the lyrics of the song.

"Turn down the lights, turn down the bed. Turn down these voices inside my head. ", I began to sing softly and tried to control the trembling of my voice. "Lay down with me, tell me no lies, just hold me Closely ..." I began to tremble. "Don't patronize, don't patronize me 'Cause I can't make you love me, when you don't .." I breathed as a shiver ran down my spine. "I'll close my eyes, 'cause then I won't see .. The love you don't feel when .. when .." I had me to press my hand over my lips to stifle my sobbing. "When. . you're holding me. Morning will come and I'll do what's right, just give me 'til then to give up this fight and I will give up this fight .." Suddenly the meaning of words became painful real. My voice cracked. "'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something that it won't. And here in the dark, in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I will feel the power. But you won't, no, you won't .. Make you love me .. make your heart feel here in the dark ... " I turned around and slid down the wall crying. Wondering what had happened to the person who wrote that song about a hundred years ago.

And then it hit me like a sledgehammer. That must've been just how Peeta had felt all these times on the train, as I had been lying in his arms. He had know I didn't return his love. Oh I had done him so wrong, treated him so badly. Now it was I who longed for him and he was out of reach for me. Sobbing, I buried my face in my hands.

Peeta

Down in the garden Peeta finally dared to move a muscle. He had actually come down here just to look at the primroses 'cause he couldn't sleep. His encounter with Katniss that morning had stirred too many things in his mind and had still been troubling him. Just the way she'd been standing there was haunting him. Her loose hair, the light nightgown, her full, plush lips all swollen from her crying and that vulnerable look in her beautiful eyes. She probably still had no idea of the effect she could have on people. So after a restless day, restless because apparently Katniss had gone missing again, he had tried to sleep. Of course, in vain. And since he hadn't wanted to wander far, his legs had carried him to her garden. Maybe he'd been hoping to see some light in one of her windows, finally knowing that she'd made it back safe. Peeta leaned against one of the few trees in the garden, overlooking the primroses and the back of her house when he had noticed a movement at the window. At first he'd wanted to somehow make himself noticeable. But instead, he just sat there silent and motionless, staring transfixed at her window, where she first appeared wearing nothing but her wet nightgown. Flashbacks started crashing his mind. But he could handle them better now, he could almost tell apart what had really happened and what the Trackerjackervenom created. Still it all revolved around her. Some old, messed up memories. Katniss' lips, her eyes, her hair. Katniss, who ran through the rain, not much older than 13 years, her dress clinging to her body, just like the nightgown did now. How beautiful she still seemed in his mind. Her braids a mess, the cheeks all flushed from running. She had been rushing past the bakery, right after school. It had been one of those special days and her mother had somehow managed to get her into a dress. Peeta remembered vaguely that Katniss hated dresses. Then the memory changed and she appeared in a shimmering dress that went up in flames. Was it real or not? The moonlight shone on her pale cheeks and made her look unreal. Was this real? Was she really standing above him at her window or was his mind playing tricks on him again? She disappeared and Peeta decided that he'd made her up. With a soundless sigh, he leaned back, feeling the rough bark in his back, the dampness of the dew on the grass, which had slowly started to seep through the fabric of his pants. But he didn't move. A few times he thought that he'd seen some movement in her room. A shadow, an arm that rose, pale skin. But nothing could've prepared him for what followed.

Peeta just stared up at the window wide-eyed and stunned. Still unsure whether he'd been imagining Katniss naked at the window or not. He could see her upper body, all the way from her hipbones. Her hair was tied back and her pale skin was covered in a thin layer of water drops. That couldn't be real. Just another weird sick phantasy which he wouldn't understand and couldn't place, a dream that would only confuse him even more once he'd wake up. And then she began to sing. The blood froze in his veins and his heart began to beat violently. He could hear every word. Loud and clear. His heart stopped in its tracks. As she pressed her pale slender hand to her lips, he could hardly breathe. A huge wave of images and memories collapsed over him. Images of nights spent together. Whispered conversations. Of how he had held her securely, when she'd woken up screaming from her nightmares. Her voice triggered something that Snow hadn't been able to take away from him. Something deep incise his chest. Her voice grew louder and he could hear all the pain in it. So she did love him after all. Peeta didn't dare to move. Helplessly he looked on as she began to tremble and eventually disappeared. For a moment he felt the impulse to get up, run up to her room and comfort her. But he was way too insecure about what he really felt, as that he could've been of any help to her. For a long time he just sat there unmoving, waiting for her to reappear. But the dark window stayed empty and eventually his pants got so wet and cold that his leg began to ache. He had no idea that by the time he got up and quietly left the garden, Katniss had long gone to bed and fallen asleep, her head buried deep under the covers.


	3. losing myself

Why am I feeling so guilty?  
>Why am I holding my breath?<br>Worry 'bout everyone but me  
>I just keep losing myself<p>

Katniss

I spent the next days hiding in my room, buried underneath my blanket. Greasy and Hazelle kept visiting me, they brought me something to eat and made me drink some water. Even Haymitch came to visit me but after I had told him about my encounter with Peeta, he left the room without another word. I felt miserable and if I had learned anything in District 13 then, that I could allow myself to be as miserable as I liked. I no longer had to pretend to be stronger than I was. My mom and Prim were gone. There was no one left for whom I had to be strong. I had buried my pride a long time ago, back then when they had locked me up in my old tribute room in the Capitol, after I had killed Coin. It felt like it was centuries ago. Still naked, I wrapped myself up in the fresh linen Hazelle had put on my bed. After everything I had put her family and mostly Gale through, she still looked after me. So when I softly called her name, I had heared her downstairs, she immediately came up to me and helped me prepare a bath.

I was still so unused to the sight of running water that I spent minutes just letting it run over my fingers until the tub nearly overflowed. Outside a warm and bright summer day was waiting and after I had some rich bread and a cup of fresh milk I kind of felt human again. By now the supply between the districts worked better than ever. Mostly, as I assumed, because Gale and Beetee had their fingers in it. I knew Gale would never stop taking care of District 12 and me, though I didn't dare asking Hazelle if she knew where he was or what he did. I felt cowardly but I had no idea what it would do to me if someone would confirm that he did love someone else. That was selfish and no one deserved to be loved as much as Gale, but he still was my Gale and I loved him in a way, as I would never love anyone else again. It just wasn't enough. I couldn't love him the way he needed it and he didn't love me the way I needed to be loved. He was this warm fire I wanted to curl up in front and hold on to so I would never get cold. But it wasn't fair to just love him for that. There was only one man who could give me the love I craved so dearly. But at the moment I didn't even know if he was able to stand me at all, let alone love me. I decided that wailing and sliding into self-pity wouldn't help and decided to face my fears and conquer back my forest once and for all. That was my forest. My home and I wanted it back. For the first time in forever I felt something like determination and wanted to use it. I got dressed, pants, T-shirt and my beloved leather boots. I grabbed my dad's hunting jacket and trotted scurried down the stairs. The sound seemed to irritate Greasy and she stuck her head out the kitchen door. "Katniss dear, what are you up to?" She asked, her eyes lightening up, because she recognized a spark of my old self in that broken puppet I had become.

"I'm going to the woods, shall I bring you something?" I asked cheerfully. I felt as light as I hadn't in a long time. "Oh do bring Strawberries dearest. If you can find some, Peeta could make a fine cake with them." I slowed down and fought against the gaping hole in my chest. Peeta. Just hearing his name hurt. "Sure, if I find some." I smiled and kissed her on the cheek. Then I grabbed two thick slices of bread and a bottle of water and stuffed both in my hunting bag. At the door I stopped and took my bow off the hook. With a soft buzzing it came alive in my hands. It almost sounded as if he was pleased to see me again. I caressed the smooth fabric with a sad smile and wrapped it over my shoulder. Then I picked up my quiver and counted the arrows. 13. It was silly and superstitious, but I pulled one arrow out, the 13th, and put it on the small cupboard near the door. With twelve arrows in the quiver, I felt a lot more comfortable.

I avoided to look at Peeta's house as I ran past it and followed what was left of the road, not paying much attention to the left overs of my home as I crisscrossed through ruins and some buildings that were apparently under constructions. District Twelve was slowly coming back to life. More and more families returned as it seemed. Surprisingly, there were also people coming from other districts. Slowly but eventually our town would be rebuild as it seemed. I smiled, greeting someone here and there, the most of them reacted rather irritated at my sight. I wondered if they still saw the crazy girl in me. In a drawer in my room I still had the band from District 13 which read mentally Unstable. My feet carried me to the fence in no time, I ducked under it and ran across the lush, green summer meadow. Nature had buried the remains of the fallen residents of District 12. The Meadow was covered in summer flowers and wild herbs. I found my way back remarkably well, even if I had to take more breaks than before. I avoided the lake, it was holding too many memories I couldn't handle. After a few hours I had gotten some fresh water from a nearby well and shot two squirrels and a rabbit. I felt alive.

Around noon, I looked for a clearing to take a break and eat something. On a small glade I found some wild strawberries and collected as many as I could find. I swerved around places that reminded me of Gale. I had done that once and I didn't wanted to feel that numb aching in my chest again. I just went on walking, 'cause I felt as good and normal as I hadn't in such a long time. I didn't care if I left traces. Who would follow me anyway? I dodged a few wild dogs and just went on and on. It was summer, the sun would go down in a few hours. On those days it had usual been Gale, who reminded me that the way back was just as long as the way there and that we better should turn around before the night came. But Gale wasn't here and I honestly didn't care. I had seen and experienced worse than a simple night in the woods. There were more than enough trees that I could climb. The uniform green of the canopy, the dim light and my absent mind had let the day pass much faster than I had noticed. So by now it was getting quite dark rather quickly and I was at least two miles from the fence removed, if not more.

I decided that a night in the forest wouldn't kill me and made a fire. After the squirrels and the rabbits were skinned and eviscerated, I let them roast over the flames and enjoyed my dinner of fresh squirrel, some leftover bread and a few strawberries for dessert. I let the fire burn to keep wild dogs and other animals away, then I climbed a nearby tree with wide branches and looked for a safe fork. It had all seemed like a good idea to me until I had closed my eyes and actually fallen asleep. Something was creeping under me around the fire, I heard the paws. Heavy, large paws. Then I felt the shaking of the tree, as if something had rammed it. I was paralyzed and couldn't move. I was engulfed in a thick blackness that left me blind. I was back in the arena. Terrified I pressed myself against the tree, trying to open my eyes or had they been open all the time? But the forest had never been completely black. Suddenly something appeared in front of me on the branch. Something Anthropomorphic with long gray-brown, hairy fingers. I saw dark eyes flashed before me, and the hand that is stretched out for me. I let out a shrill, panicked cry, opened my eyes and fell off the tree.

I hit the ground so hard that all the air was forced out of my lungs. I stared up at the tree now that everything was suddenly much brighter. All the normal sounds of the forest had returned and a scared rabbit hopped off into the darkness. But I still felt the dark eyes of my nightmare on me, some horrible mutant that would kill me. Screaming, I began to run. I needed to get out of the forest immediately. I stumbled, got stuck, bruised and scratched my hands, knees and face while I frantically tried to find my way back to the fence. Where was I?! What had just ridden me, to walk that deep into the forest? I ran for my life and left a significant swath of trampled bushes and broken branches.

And then all of a sudden the ground beneath my feet was gone. I screamed, but my scream was stuck throat as I fell. I hit the ground and rolled down a slope. I heard a horrible cracking before I felt it and screamed suffocated. My foot had gotten stuck on a root and the force of my fall had broken it. That had been my death sentence. I lay on the forrest floor, my heart racing, at the foot of a small slope, with my foot twisted and bent in a gruesome curve. My legs were bent in an unhealthy angle as well and I felt my quiver is drilling into my back. My bow almost choked me. However, I couldn't possibly move. So I spent my night wide awake and tormented by hallucinations. None of what I'd seen that night could've been real and when the sun finally lit up the forest, I realized where I had landed.

I had been lying in a meadow of primroses. Primrose. Prim. She'd been here. She had protected me all night. Tears choked me and I finally dared to move. Carefully I sat up and freed my violently throbbing foot. It was swollen and I knew if I would take off the boots, I would never get it back on again. My head was spinning and I needed a full moment before I had found my orientation. I knew this meadow. This had been where Gale and I had found the primroses then. And probably Gale was the only one who knew about this place. Even if someone was actually looking for me, wich would certainly take days, since I constantly kept on disappearing and they were probably used to it by now and just waited for my return, they wouldn't find me here. I had to take a deep breathe. My bag was still there so I pulled out the water bottle and took several deep gulps. I would somehow have to find my way back alone.

It took over an hour until I had managed to get up. From a nearby tree I broke off a stable-looking branch and used it as a crutch while I made my way across the uneven forest floor. I was slow and had to take breaks regularly, because my foot threatened to kill me. Somewhere I had turned to the wrong direction and had to hobble back so I wouldn't get off too far. I oriented myself on the position of the sun, as far as I could see it and at the moss on the trees. There were a few points that I recognized. Nevertheless, time was running against me and nightfall was coming before I had even reached the vicinity of the fence. I was so tired, exhausted, thirsty and my leg was throbbing with waves of excruciating pain that rolled through my body constantly. I had no other choice than to spend another night alone in the forest. Alone with my nightmares, fears and hallucinations. Since I couldn't possibly climb on a tree with my foot, I chose a rocky outcrop, under which I hid myself. I made an exaggerated large fire, in the irrational hope that someone might see it and find me.

I had no idea how I made it through that night. At some point I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes, my fire had burned down and the sun was in the sky. My foot was swollen to twice the size and I had to loosen the laces of my boot, so I was progressing more slowly. I knew I should've cooled it and kept it steady instead of stumbling through the forest with a broken ankle. But I did not want to die here. I couldn't hunt and I wasn't even near the lake. So my only hope was to finally reach the fence and that someone would find me there. I struggled on until I got stuck somewhere with the stick and fell flat on my face. My foot hit one of the larger stones and my pained cry rang through the forest. Birds fluttered startled and tears sprang to my eyes. I was whimpering and trying to catch my breath, but the pain was indescribable. For several minutes I lay there trembling, before I even dared to move. I pushed myself up carefully until I was leaning against a tree. My bottle was almost empty and I still was about a half mile away from the fence. There was nothing between me and the fence but dense and impenetrable forest. And the bitter knowledge that there was no one looking after me.

Peeta certainly wasn't. Haymitch certainly wasn't worried as well, he knew that I could take care of myself quite well alone. Hazelle perhaps. But Haymitch would calm her down and tell her how wonderful I got along with my forest. It wasn't a real shock when I realized that nobody would find me. Rather a sober statement. Something that I had kinda known all the time but somehow just had afraid to pronounce. I was done for. So this was how I would end. With a broken wing and burned feathers. The Mockingjay had more than fulfilled its purpose and could die on the forest floor. Suddenly even the thought of being devoured by wild dogs didn't seem that scary anymoe. That was just one of other ways to end my life here in the woods. Dehydration was the most probable. I wouldn't starve. I wouldn't live long enough for that. I deeply inhaled the familiar smell of earth and moss and forest. Everything was familiar to me here. The birdsong, the faint rustle. Above me I discovered a Mockingjay on one of the branches. My lips curved up into a crooked smile and I quietly sang it Rues song. They pretty little Mockingjay listened curiously and soon I was surrounded by Mockingjays that sang Rues song to me. My smile grew wider. Soon I would see her again. Rue, Prim, Finnick, Cinna ... all the people I had loved and lost. My dad.

In the afternoon it began to rain lightly. I caught some water with my bottle and ate a few strawberries from my bag. The tree underneath which I sat was beautiful. A beautiful old oak. I watched as the drops fell through the leaves and listened to them dripping. Soon I was soaked to the skin, but my leg didn't hurt that much anymore so I was rather thankful for the cold rain. I closed my eyes and hummed the song that I had sung a few nights ago. Peeta would be free. Perhaps his nightmares would stop when I was gone. He could be with one of the new girls, get married and have the family he had always wanted. And I wouldn't miss him. Wouldn't have to live next door knowing that I had lost him and would never get him back. Somehow the thought of my inevitable death was almost comforting. Nothing was keeping me here anymore. I made myself comfortable under my oak, wished my bow goodnight and hugged my old hunting bag. I wished I had a bit of morphine to steal me away dreamlessly. The rain became stronger and I rolled over as far as I dared with my broken ankle, and lay there on the forest floor in a fetal position. Leaves gently began to fall and landed on my cheek, remained in my hair and covered me.

I didn't care. I'd be one with the forest, finally a real part of it. My eyes fell shut again and again, although I didn't really sleep. And then I heard my name. I couldn't tell from which direction or if I had dreamed it. Then I heard it again. Someone called me. Searching. It could only be a dream, so I just stayed lying where I was and didn't move. I wouldn't fall for the last cruel trick my mind was playing on me.

"KATNISS!"

This was clearly too close. I opened my eyes. I was surrounded by darkness and had to brush off the leaves in some shaky movements to actually see something. Only a few feet away from me the flickering light of a flashlight was moving through the forest. It was all dark now but the rain had stopped.

"KATNISS!" he called again and I blinked in disbelief. He came closer, apparently he had seen me as I moved the arm, because suddenly I was hit by the bright beam of the flashlight. I squinted against the bright light. "Katniss .. what .. what are you doing here?!" Peeta asked stunned and began to pluck the leaves from my face and my hair. That was cruel. My head made me see Peeta just before my death that was more than malicious. His warm fingers stroked my ice cold cheek and then I felt him put his strong, warm arms under me and lifting me up gently.

"Haymitch! I found her!" Peeta yelled and a second figure appeared. "She looks horrible. Can you carry her alone? "Haymitch asked and Peeta nodded. "I'll go ahead and you follow me." And then the ground moved. Powerless I let my head drop against his broad, secure shoulder. Perhaps he would carry me to Prim. My cold fingers dug into the fabric of his jacket and I closed my eyes. For a precious moment I allowed myself to feel safe and secure. I allowed myself to dive into the illusion that I was safe in Peeta's arms and that he had really found me. Which couldn't be true, because it was all in my head. In front of us danced the light of Haymitchs flashlight and the forest was moving past me. I could feel Peeta's steady, strong heartbeat. How beautiful it was. I lost myself in this comforting bubble of fuzzy madness.

But then we reached the fence, bright lights blinded me and loud voices surrounded me. "Oh, thank heavens, they found her!" "Where was she?" "Is she hurt?" loud familiar voices blurted around me. But the only voice I really wanted to hear, hadn't said another word since he had picked me up. I vaguely noticed that we were walking up the street to my house and even though several men offered it, Peeta not once allowed anyone to take me from his arms. I slightly lifted my head and whispered against his warm skin. "You found me and are carrying me home. Real or not real?" For a moment I wasn't sure if he had heard me, but then he stopped and turned his head to look at me. "Real." He whispered and gently put his lips on mine. My heart leaped happily, and I closed my eyes as I felt his warm, sweet lips on mine. He had really found me. It wasn't a dream.

A large group of people was awaiting us at my house. Apparently half the District had been looking for me. Peeta carried me up the stairs to my room and gently placed me on my bed. Instantly Hazelle and Greasy started to check my condition, but my cold hand reached out for Peeta and I mouthed "Do not go." And he didn't. He nodded and sat down in the armchair in the corner of the room. My eyes were fixed on him all the time while I got undressed, examined and was eventually fixed up. My foot got bandaged and splinted. Someone made me drink a full cup of water and after about an hour that seemed much longer, Hazelle handed me my two morphine pills. I still couldn't pray my gaze away from Peeta, who hadn't moved in all that time. Had I just imagined him? But then Hazelle turned to him and asked if he needed something. Peeta just shook his head and they left us alone. Again, I was the selfish one of us. I wanted this Peeta, my Peeta. "Will you stay with me?" I asked softly and took the pills that would knock me out soon. Peeta got up from the chair, walked over to me and crouched before my bed. Then he gently brushed the damp strands from my forehead and looked into my eyes. "Always." He whispered and I fell asleep with a smile on his lips.


	4. Falling

Please, please tell me you know  
>I've got to let you go<br>I can't help falling  
>Out of love with you<p>

Won't you read my mind?  
>Don't you let me lie here<br>And die here

Peeta

My teeth were clenched and my jaw muscles were so tense it almost hurt. I had difficulties keeping my leg still since it kept on bobbing up and down. She was so pale. So incredibly pale and her dark eyes were fixed on me all the time. I knew what she was looking for but couldn't give her that. The image of her lifeless body on the wet forest floor kept on popping up in my mind. She had been almost completely covered in leaves, only small parts of her pale skin had been visible. If she hadn't been that pale, I would've never found her. I would've probably just walked past her. The thought should've scared me, or at least worried. But there was nothing. Dull emptiness and this throbbing headache. A constant hammering in my mind that always came when I was thinking about her too hard. I felt strangely torn. There was a part in me that had been scared to death at her sight. And then there was the part which didn't care at all whether she lived or rotted on the forest floor. I wondered if she was aware that those few words she said to me on our way back had been the first real conversation we had since I came back.

Probably not. If I had learned one thing, then it was that I couldn't blame her. It had always been her nature. She didn't understand. My expression hardened and I was glad to sit in the shade. I placed my chin in one hand and looked at her, waiting. Her wet hair clung to her forehead that was still covered in a thin layer of sweat. Her normally deep red lips were blue and cold. The short kiss we shared was hardly worth mentioning. I might as well have kissed an ice cube. I had felt absolutely nothing. Even if I tried. Sometimes I dreamed of her death. I'd wake up soaked in sweat, heart racing and my mind running wild at the thought of losing her. And then there were mornings when I woke up and barely remembered her name. Let alone remembering what she used to be for me. Or what they told me she used to be. My mind was nothing but a pile of disturbing puzzle pieces. And each piece had her face on it. Her face glowing with rage, distorted in pain, hateful, loving, helpless, aggressive, ready to kill me and kiss me the next moment. It was a miracle I even was able to get a normal thought out of that mess. But seeing here there now, pale, wounded and helpless. It moved something in me. Just as like sight of her, as she'd been standing outside in her nightgown a few days ago had. Yes, in that moment, I loved her. Everything had pulled me towards her, I wanted to wrap myself around her and never let her go. But what I wanted wasn't the broken girl in front of me that looked at me so needy and helpless. I wanted the girl who broke every rule to protect her sister and mother to keep them alive.

I wanted the pale 12 year old which I had thrown the bread. I remembered our first encounter. That fragile, way too thin girl with the big eyes and full lips, whose voice had given me goose bumps when she sang. But the girl lying in that bed was far from it. Snow had succeeded in what I had tried so hard to prevent. She was broken and I had been changed, had been shaped and sculpted by him like dough. My head jerked reflexively at the memory of the things they had done to me. Cries rang through my mind and I tried to mute them as good as I could. They were her cries. Katniss screaming in my head as they were ripping her into a thousand pieces. Everything in my head was connected to her. I had to take a deep breath to control my raging anger. It wasn't her fault, I reminded myself. She was just a girl that had been used. By everyone. The Game Makers, Snow, the Revolution, Coin. They all had used Katniss for their own matter and by that destroyed the wonderful, pure girl that I fallen for head over heels. Sure, I could still see parts of that girl in this Katniss. There were short moments where I knew exactly who I was and who she was and what she meant to me. However, these moments were too short and far too rare. My jaw was clenched so tight it hurt.

Again I saw her lying on the forest floor. This time maggots crawled out of her empty eye sockets, her face was sunken in, skin was missing here and there. I had come too late and she was dead. The image was so real, I had to blink really hard to focus back on reality. How should I stay close to her when I never knew whether what I saw was real? These thoughts had been haunting me for weeks and led to a hard but dearly needed decision. I knew that I no longer loved her. Not like before. I couldn't help that I was falling out of love for her and she didn't seem to really want me back. She didn't talk to me, didn't respond to anything I did, she plainly ignored me. But was it indifference? Was her mind just as destroyed as mine? I was trying hard to remember what I knew about her. Her silence wasn't malicious or repellent. She just probably didn't know what to say. A shy, skinny Katniss flickered past my mind's eye. With trembling fingers, she was digging through our garbage cans, she was half-starved and looking for something edible. How sorry I had felt for her, how much her sight had been hurting me back then. I focused back to the present. Hazelle and Greasy had just undressed her and I let my eyes trail over her naked body. Scars, burns, faded bruises. I knew this sight. And in between the torn flesh there was snow-white skin that once used to be tan from the sun. My gaze wandered back to her face. She still looked at me.

Katniss. Katniss. Katniss.

Her name sounded so familiar and yet so wrong in my head. It drove me crazy. Joanna had visited me once in my cell in District 13. "Now you ca see her too right?" she had said. And yes. I had seen her at that time. The band on her wrist, her ruffled hair, she wasn't the monster of my nightmares but she was also by far not the beauty that I had been promised. At that time I had been absolutely sure that I'd never be able to feel anything for her ever again. How wrong I was. From my cell I could watch Finnicks wedding on a small screen. Watching as she danced. And that sparked something in me. It had triggered some old memories that had made my heart jump. Only for a brief moment. Then it had all went down the hill until I somehow ended where I was now. As if everything, really everything that had happened eventually had to lead to this night. I had saved her fucking life. We we're even. We were free.

Disillusionment spread through my mind. Meanwhile Katniss had been dressed and fixed up. Hazelles voice interrupted my thoughts. "Do you need something Peeta? I've got some soup downstairs." She offered but I thankfully shook my head and she left us. Finally, we were alone. I felt that strange pull in my chest that I always felt when we were alone. As if a hook had been anchored in my chest that inevitably pulled me towards her

"Will you stay with me?" She asked quietly and I stood up. I walked over to her bed and crouched next to it. Gently I brushed some dark strands of hair from her forehead. There it was again, one of those moments where I remembered with brutal clarity how much I loved this young woman and that my whole world revolved around her. She was the center of my broken universe. I saw the helpless longing in her eyes as she desperately searched for an answer that I could not give her.

"Always."

I whispered in a voice that sounded strange in my head. But she smiled and closed her eyes. I stayed where I was and watched as she fell asleep, as her face relaxed, and she sank deeper and deeper into her dreams. For minutes I looked at her face, again and again stroking the damp strands from her forehead and then leaned forward to kiss her gently. Nothing. I wasn't indifferent, I felt incredibly much, just not what had I expected to feel. Snow had shredded my heart and everything in it to pieces. Again screams rang through my head. Darius. I shut my eyes and breathed away my anger. Every time this happened I had the feeling of losing myself completely, it was already difficult under normal circumstances to remind me who I was. Near her it was almost impossible.

Katniss.

My Katniss.

That sounded strange in my head even when I remembered that I had been calling her that for years in my mind. So many fragments of my positive memories had returned by now. I slowly leaned back until I sat down and could wrap my arms around my knees. I was seriously worried about her reaction to my decision and what it would do to her. How she would deal with it that this time I would be the one who left her. This was something I very clearly remembered. Her leaving me. Again my jaw muscles tightened. The dull, malignant voice that Snow had planted in my head hoisted a triumphant "she deserves it!" And I gritted my teeth. No. She did not deserve it, even if I only too clearly felt the stings of countless rejections. I wondered how I could've been so blind. She was a much better actress than I would have thought it possible. After all, I had fallen for her act for weeks. Her kisses, touches and glances. I had seen the videos from the arena. It seemed like a miracle to me that anyone in Panem had actually bought her act.

It had been my naivety and her innocence in what she'd done that had made us so believable. My unwavering faith in her love that for so long hadn't been real. I also knew the recordings from the second arena. Her shocked and desperate response to my death. What had happened there on her face, hadn't been fake. None of it. And our night at the beach? Even now the memory flashed through me and I arched an eyebrow, sighing. That hadn't been acting. But all that was over. We both needed a reboot, a fair chance at a life of our own. I thought of the song she had sung a few days ago. I can not make you love me if you do not. The memory tore at my heart. Again changed my view on it. I saw her full lips in the moonlight so pale and soft. Her high cheekbones, the curve of her long eyelashes. She was beautiful. So vulnerable. But why didn't she notice that she was slipping through my fingers? I wanted to beg her to notice it, to prevent the inevitable.

~ Please, please tell me you know that I've got to let you go. 'Cause I can't help falling out of love with you. ~

'Please' I pleaded in my thoughts, 'Please tell me you know I have to let you go. That I have to stop loving you…' But I knew that that wouldn't happen. If I wouldn't end it now, we'd eventually destroy each other. I wasn't what she needed, I couldn't protect her. Just as she wasn't what I needed. As long as she continued changing from the monster to my dream woman and back to the monster inside my mind we couldn't possibly have any sort of relationship. How had Haymitch called it? Make a clean cut. I would make a clean cut. I had to. She wasn't herself nor was I. How should any good come from this wrecked and twisted thing that our love had become? I thought of all the pictures I had painted of her. Not a day had passed on which I hadn't drawn her at least once. My basement was stuffed with pictured of her. There had been none on my walls a few days back had been the result of me throwing a tantrum. I remembered the look in her eyes as she had noticed, how pain had shadowed her expression. None of it had been an act on her part. Now she really loved me and and all I could think of was to… what? Break up with her? That sounded silly and wrong. Break our engagement? That had never been serious.

This was pathetic and ridiculous. Again, the dark voice hissed triumphantly in my head and I blocked it out. Katniss slept like a stone, I could've yelled at her and she wouldn't have woken up. Not with that amount of morphine in her body. A movement in the corner of the room made my head turn. Immediately my body tensed. But it was only the Buttercup who sneaked up on me, rubbed his ugly furry head against my legs, cast a quick glance at Katniss and decided that it was far exciting outside than it was in here. "How right you are..." I mumbled and got up. For a while I stood at the open window, looking over her garden and beyond to the woods behind the fence. How different our lives could have been. Surely she would have married Gale. Unless I would have found the courage to finally talk to her. What would have become of us? I vaguely remembered that she actually never wanted to be married and that children had been out of the question for her. I wanted children. Didn't I? My head told me that I wanted to. That I wanted a family. How unreachable and far away that life was now. There was nothing left of my home and family but ashes. I had become a stranger to myself. As if I had two lives. Mine and that of a stranger I just had happened to watch. With a deep sigh I ran my hands over my face and buried it in them. This wasn't me. I groaned, dug my fingers into the wood of the window frame and stared into the dark night. The moon had been swallowed by clouds and the terror of blackness danced before my eyes.

Not real. Not real. Not real.

I repeated my mantra but eventually closed the window. I dropped back into the chair and went through all the options of how out lives could go on. But no matter what constellation, it never felt right. Because my once upright, unconditional, infinite love for her that had get me going for such a long time had shrunk to a vestigial something in my chest and as long as I couldn't be sure it would get back to what it once had been, I didn't wanted to risk my heart. The voice in my mind laughed roughly. It would be only a temporary separation, I told myself. Nothing is final. But I had to be sure that she loved me and that I loved her. Again I felt the pull in my chest. Only this time I ignored it. I stayed where I was and tried to find the right words to make her understand why I could not be near her. Eventually I fell asleep.


	5. Sleepwalking

Haven't you noticed?  
>I'm sleepwalking<p>

Katniss

When I woke up I felt the warm rays of the sunlight on my face. My ankle felt strangely numb and I had to fight to get out of the numbing dullness of my morphine-soaked mind. I raised my heavy eyelids and blinked against the bright sunlight. It took me all that was left of my willpower to lift my dazed head and pull it out of the sunlight. And it took another full minute before I could keep my eyes open long enough to capture my surroundings. I was still lying in my bed, my foot was no longer bandaged, it had been placed on a pillow and my skin was shimmering. Apparently my mother had sent one of those expensive creams from the Capitol, because I felt this familiar pull at my skin. Nevertheless, I didn't dare to move it. I remembered the unbearable pain too clearly. The pictures of my last dream still hung in my mind like film clips. It had been another one of these dreams about Peeta where my confused mind had been seeing us happy and in love together. A dream filled with his closeness, his kisses and the warm security his strong arms had always promised me.

I felt like a stranger in my own head and was more than irritated by those feelings which still seemed so frighteningly real. Slowly, I let my eyes glide across the room and stopped. There he sat. Still in the chair by the window, facing me. His eyes were closed and he had his long legs stretched out. His arms were loosely clasped on his chest and his head was slumped against his shoulder. Peeta was asleep. My heart leaped, stumbled and fell flat on its face. I stared at him full of disbelieve. He was here. Which meant that he had spent the night next to me. Without killing me or fleeing my house. A small glimmer of hope gleamed in my chest and I dared to wonder whether we would get closer again. Ugh, were those my thoughts or just the remnants of my dream? It had taken me long enough to admit that I felt something for him and even longer to allow myself to realize that this something had been love. I remembered what Finnick had told me about my reaction in the arena. Though I hated to remember the moment where Peeta had died right in front of my eyes. The moment in which I had thought that I'd lost him. My heart clenched. Finnick had been right all the time.

There was a plate with still steaming soup on my nightstand, someone must've put it there only moments ago. But there was nothing but silence in the house, all I could hear were Peeta's quiet, steady breaths. My eyes went back to him and clung to his face. He was older. No longer a Teenager. His jaw-line had become harder, more masculine, his cheekbones stood out clearly. Also, it seemed to me that he had grown lately. I remembered that my mother had once told me that boys often still grew at the age of 18 or 19. It seemed like Peeta had been no exception there.

Had his legs always been that long? The sunlight hit the ruffled strands of his golden hair that must've fallen into his eyes while he slept. I frowned and bit my lower lip. I felt the same deep longing for him that I had felt in my dream. The same hunger that had driven me into his arms that night on the beach. It was more than confusing. How badly I wanted to reach out and stroke his hair. It were those small familiar gestures that I had never paid much attention to and had never thought relevant. Now that my mind was clouded by pain killers and my feelings were confused by my weird dream I missed them even more. My eyes trailed down his body, I tried to understand my feelings for him and why his sight moved so much in me. His shoulders were still broad and muscular. Even though I doubted that he was still carrying heavy sacks of flour around. My gaze got caught on his hands. They were loosely clasped and were ling relaxed on his hip height. Strong, safe hands with slender but beautiful limbs. I swallowed against the lump in my throat. What was the matter with me?

I was no one who actively was in love. Neither could I flirt nor actually understand my feelings. The last few months had damaged my mind and soul almost completely and irreparable. There probably wasn't much missing the call me insane. The last thing I needed now there were girlish feelings. Getting married and having children, those were simply no options. Not even today. We lived in a different world, but what kind of world was that? What would become of Panem? What role would Peeta and I have to play in it? If he should really find a way back to himself, to this irresistible charismatic young man that could mountains with his words alone. It wouldn't surprise me if the government would want to have him. Peeta would be a wonderful leader. He should've been the Mockingjay, not me. Why no one had seen that was still a mystery to me. Even during our interviews it had always been so obvious. Peeta was the one who could move the masses. With his declaration of love. With his kiss, his marriage proposal and as he had told the world that I was pregnant in an attempt to stop the Quarter Quell. A tiny part of me secretly whished that we had been married back then. Then he would be mine no matter what still stood between us. Then I wouldn't have to worry about losing him to another. As absurd as that thought was. Simply because there was no other.

There were these strange girlish thought again. I flinched at the thought of how much I wanted to talk to Prim about all this. Grief shadowed my features and I breathed against the panic. Slowly I counted my breaths, another technique that should help me to stay focused. Prim would've understood all this and could've helped me sort through this mess of feelings in my head and my heart. Talking to Gale was out of the question. Haymitch as well. That left the only two other People in my life. Greasy Sae and Hazelle. Hazelle. But she was Gale's mother and if she accidently told him anything about my struggles, that just wouldn't be fair. Suddenly I missed Madge so painfully that I had to embrace the hole in my chest again. I really threatened to fall apart any moment. I thought about Johanna, we had finally somehow become friends but she was far away in her own district or in any clinic with free access to morphine. The extent of my loneliness hit me completely unprepared. Moreover, I had never thought about it that way. There had never been many people in my life. But to suddenly realize that there wasn't a soul to talk to in my life was more than hard. If I really lost Peeta I would be completely alone. However the thought was strangely comforting. I would never have worry about anyone ever again.

No one would dependent on me.

I had been so absorbed in my thoughts, that I hadn't noticed that Peeta woke up and when my eyes wandered back from his hands to his face, I flinched as my gaze suddenly met his. Bright blue eyes that seemed even clearer now that the sunlight hit them. I couldn't read his expression though. It was new. My heart was pounding in my chest, after all Peeta had found me in the woods and kissed me. He had carried me home. All that meant that I hadn't completely lost him, didn't it? Nevertheless, the look in his eyes made me shuffle in discomfort. Nothing in it spoke of love or friendship, not even happiness to see me alive. Maybe I had imagined his last words before I had fallen asleep.

Always.

It echoed through my mind like a hollow, muffled recording that had been repeated too often. My mind was still far too clouded to actually deal with him now. With all the questions I had about him and the feelings that overwhelmed me. Peeta got up and slowly walked over, then he crouched next to my bed and gently brushed some loose hair strands off my forehead. I immediately reached up took his hand. I wanted to feel him, know that he was really here. He did not resist, closed his warm, strong fingers securely around mine. What had happened that I felt so terribly vulnerable around him? My dream was clearly messing with my mind. My eyes were locked on his and it seemed as if we both tried to fathom what the other was thinking.

"Thank you for finding me." I finally whispered to break the silence. "I would always find you." He replied softly but distant. I frowned and my body intuitively tensed. Now I knew why his expression had seemed so strangely familiar. It was Gale's expression. The one he always had when he killed an animal, the exact same expression that had been on his face as he had told me that district 12 no longer existed. So Peeta tried to calm me down before the death blow. That thought was more than disturbing and panic rushed through my veins. He frowned a bit helpless. Apparently he didn't know where to begin. My throat tightened. Suddenly I could feel his iron grip around my throat again. We were back in the hospital room in District 13 and suddenly it felt wrong to hold his hand. I wanted to push him away, to protect myself from whatever would happen next.

My chest heaved under my trembling breath and Peeta ran a hand over his face. Now that he was so close to me I could see more clearly that he had grown older. He had grown up. He had become a man and was no longer the boy with the bread. A man who would leave me at any moment. I felt numb, empty. As if I was sleep walking. Could he feel that I was sleepwalking? I was still holding his hand. Why couldn't he tell me that all was well? That nothing would happen. It was as if we were silently begging each other to see what we could not tell. Then Peeta looked me straight in the eyes. I held my breath. The blue of his eyes seemed iridescent. Suddenly I could see everything in it. Frustration, helplessness, loss, anger and abandonment. And suddenly I knew it.

"You don't love me." I whispered soundlessly.

He nodded slowly. Very slowly.

"It's not that simple Katniss." His voice drove the spear deeper into my heart. "I tried. But I can't help it. If I continue to- "he tried to find the right words and I tried not to fall apart. "… to hold on to that idea of what we might have been once, then I'll never know if I really feel something for you… if I ever have. I can't tell my real memories apart from those Snow put in my mind. In one moment you are the most wonderful creature that I can imagine and in the next you're tearing me apart. I have to find out who I really am. And even if Haymitch believes that it will help me to be close to you, to have you around every day it's not gonna change a thing. It only makes things worse because I'm never sure if I really see you or whether my mind is playing tricks on me again. You have no idea how hard that is Katniss. " He heaved a sigh and I felt how my chest was finally falling apart. How I crumbled piece by piece and all my attempts to keep myself together had been in vain. But hadn't I seen that coming? Wasn't this exactly what I had expected? A few hours ago I had been willing to die alone in the woods. Now my last hope for a normal life was falling apart.

"I'll still be here, but I will no longer have to think twice about whether you love me or if I love you. I remember your bargain with Haymitch. Your little act from the arena and that you didn't love me then, I remember that you wanted to kill me. I also know that you never talked to me after we came back from the arena. You disappeared into the woods with Gale, you were everywhere but never with me. I have some memories the Capitol couldn't take away from me. Of how you've pushed me away, over and over and over again. Of how I tried everything to convince you of my love. I bent myself in any way imaginable in desperate attempts to make you see what you mean to me. But you weren't listening to me. It never touched you. You know what else I remember? I remember that you attacked me violently after I told all of Panem on national television that I loved you. Has it ever crossed you mind why I might have done that? "

I shook my head scarcely perceptible. I knew what he would say, but at that time it had really by far been the most absurd thing that I could've imagined. Who could've possibly loved me back then? I hadn't even known him. "Because I knew that was the only way you'd listen. And even that turned against me. You attacked me and didn't waste a single thought that I could've been serious about it. Haymitch knew that I loved you. I had told him. And he had turned it into a farce. The Star crossed Lovers from District 12." His voice dripped with sarcasm and suppressed anger. "My head shows me pictures, memories that I cannot place. Things that might've happened. All these weeks I have tried to bring some distance between me and you. It took me an incredible amount of strength and willpower to actually come back here. To face you. And all I got was your indifference and your silence. "

It felt like someone had dropped a bucket of ice cold water inside of me. He had gotten all my intentions and actions wrong. I hadn't been indifferent, I had been insecure and terrified. And again I wondered how he could've ever loved me. This whole principle of feelings and affection was utterly foreign to me. I was not very good at it and here I got the proof. I was the one to blame for losing him for good this time. "Katniss there will always be a part in me that remembers how much I loved you. But this part is in the past now and I want to leave it all behind." It sounded so final. I scoured my brain for an adequate reaction to his words. Should I cry? Be shocked? Frightened or hurt? I tried to sort out what it did to me. But there was nothing left inside of me but this numb empty feeling of being left behind, of losing him. I knew that my current state wasn't permanent, it would fire back at me sooner or later. I knew that once I had realized that this had really been happening the pain and agony would sweep me off my feet. But at the moment my mind was in deep denial as final desperate try to protect myself. So I just looked at him stunned.

"I didn't meant to hurt you." He whispered, his hand gently caressed my cheek. I could see that it was difficult for him as well. But in a different way. Even now, when he was finally leaving me, he cared enough for me to apologize and to consider my feelings. I felt infinitely guilty. I had never really considered his feelings. I had thought of him but only ever with the purpose of keeping him alive. Others had always been more important to me than he had been. Prim, Gale, my mother. People that I had to take care of. That had always been my life. The people who were depending on me. What would I do with myself now that there was no one left? I blinked and frowned. I didn't know what to say. What did you do when you were abandoned by the man you loved just days after you finally realized that you loved him? Words failed me. There certainly had to be an answer. Peeta would've known what to say. He always knew how to answer such things. Well I couldn't ask him for help now, could I? And so I lay there, feeling numb and foreign in my body. Just as if this wasn't happening to me. Apparently Peeta knew me well enough to understand my silence, at least this time he got it right. I threw a helpless look at the door, almost as if I was hoping for the right answer to just walk in and break the brooding awkward silence. Should I beg him not to leave me? Tell him about all my weird feelings? Try to explain to him that I had finally realized it?

I love you Peeta Mellark.

The words lay on my tongue like lead. Because to finally tell him that would be the most selfish thing I'd ever do. I knew that he wouldn't leave me then. He couldn't. But only once, just this once, I didn't wanted to be selfish. Just for him. Selfish. The word sounded so harsh in my ears. I had just been trying to keep us alive. And I wanted to keep him. Now that Prim was dead he was the last person I knew I really loved. I clung to his clear, bright blue eyes. Eyes that had always seemed so much older than mine and had never lost their innocence. Not even now. Who was I to claim him for me after everything I had done to him and what Snow had done to him because of me. I would never be able to make it up to him. Never. But I could let him go now. No matter what that would do to me. Peeta nodded and half snorted laugh escaped his lips. So as if to say, I knew you wouldn't get your teeth apart Katniss. And as so often he was right.

"See you." He said quietly, tilting his head to place a quick kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes and then his hand slipped from mine and he left. I kept my eyes closed until I heard the front door. He was gone. It was the moment in which the door slammed shut as the whole meaning of his words reached me in their full extend and everything I had been holding back before was crashing down on me. I gasped for air and choked with my eyes wide in shock. My scream was silent, I had no voice. I was suffocated. My chest heaved, I tried to breathe but nothing reached my lungs and soon darkness swallowed me whole. It only took seconds until my scream had fought its way out of my lungs taking what was left of the air in my lungs with it. I was sobbing, gasping desperately for air and stared at the ceiling in blind panic. You couldn't choke on dry land right? I was breathing, but I could not breathe. Soon tears took my vision and I lost myself in all the emotions that overwhelmed me that I could not name and couldn't capture. Peeta had left me. This was far worse than to die in the woods.


End file.
